How to Survive Walking Alone If You’re a Woman

by Hannah Williamson

  1. Constantly survey all 360° of your surroundings.
  2. Quick, rotate your head faster and harder.
  3. Be an owl.
  4. Make a Wolverine-type weapon out of your keys so you can stab someone.
  5. Do not make a Wolverine-type weapon out of your keys; your weak woman grip will force the keys back into your palm, thereby giving your assailant a head start.
  6. Do not wear headphones.
  7. Do not wear your hair in a ponytail.
  8. Do not wear your hair in a braid.
  9. Do not have hair — just chop it all off (but only when walking around without an escort. At all other times, your hair should resemble Ariel’s from The Little Mermaid).
  10. Take any women’s self-defense class offered by any police department anywhere.
  11. Do not smile.
  12. Do not make eye contact.
  13. Do not speak.
  14. Be assertive.
  15. Bring a too-big sweatshirt wherever you go, whatever the weather, to avoid tempting men with your body.
  16. Learn to run a mile in under five minutes.
  17. Never take your phone out of your purse.
  18. Text your closest (distance- and relationship-wise) friend constant updates on your location.
  19. Carry a rape whistle.
  20. Carry mace.
  21. Keep your hands free.
  22. In the event of an assault, do not yell “help”; “fire” or “free pizza” will likely attract more attention.
  23. Do not count on anyone to help you.
  24. Do not go outside alone. Ever. For any reason.

Hannah is one of the co-founders of Full-on Monets. She spends most of her free time watching Golden Girls and putting sweatshirts on her dog. She can be found on tumblr and twitter, or you can email her at hannah@fullonmonets.com.

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